Christmas comes early - Canucks douse Flames #tsntitle

Puppies.

Ice Cream.

A first kiss.

A mother****ing double rainbow.

There are just some of the things that compare to a win over Calgary.

 Anytime we beat Calgary, it ensures that my next day at work will be a good one. I smile more at work. I laugh more at work. I talk to my co-workers in a friendly manner instead of the flat dulcet tone that I normally reserve for work, the kind of tone that makes you think "Does Wyatt hate me? Is he trying to convey pure disgust with me when he speaks to me? That the mere effort of having to converse with me makes him physically ill?"

Yes, a win over Calgary is a happy thing indeed.

 But last night wasn't just a simple win, no no. Last night was a beating. A massacre. A pillaging and raping. If Calgary was our date, they wouldn't be walking straight for weeks after what we did to them last night. Calgary is going to wake up this morning, heads hurting, bodies sore, and they will have to painfully try and put together the memories of what happened last night. I imagine it happened something like this....

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010. 9am.

Iginla: Ahhh.....man.....what.....what happened last night....

Kipper: I not know.

Phaneuf: Why am I back in Calgary?

Elisha Cuthbert: So that will be $250. Per player.

Iginla: What the hell is going on??

Kipper: I am theenkeeng vee lost game.

Iginla: Why do you sound like a russian bad guy?

Kipper: Geeve him his fyucking money.

Iginla: Why are you quoting Rounders??

Phaneuf: Hey Cuthbert, this rash isn't going away-

Iginla: Why does my ass hurt?

Sean Avery: Hey guys, are you done with Elisha yet? I have a car battery I need repaired.

Elisha: That references my start in television! Power Mechanics for Kids! Hyuk!

Iginla: What the **** happened last night????

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd. Scene.

I am almost positive it happened like that. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Onto the game recap!

Game Highlights

- Brendan Morrison got zero points. Good.

- Raymond had 4 points, 3 goals + 1 assist. We have to somehow find a way for him to think we are playing in Calgary every game.

- Lost in all of the 7-2 hooplah is the fact that Andrew Alberts one assist spurred us on to victory. True story.

- Joel Perrault continues to be a disgusting hockey player. But a decent human being.

- When asked about how it felt to go from a top 4 role in his best game of the season against the Sharks, and being rewarded with bottom pairing minutes against the Flames, Keith Ballard explained "You know that feeling you get when someone kicks you right in the nuts? Then spits on you? But then tells you you did a good job? Something like that."

- Samuelsson continues to prove that you can play like shit and still manage to get an assist.

- Rambo Tambo got a goal and an assist. Vigneault was incensed by this. Said after the game, "That little shit, if he continues to embarass me, he will lucky if he even ends up back in Manitoba. I swear to god, I'll send his ass to Victoria. I hate that little shit. Going out there and scoring. Just who the **** does he think he is?? No one can get more points then me in my NHL career (editors note: He got 7 points). **** you Tambellini."

- Henrik continued on his quest to get 100 assists with only 2 goals. "I always felt Adam Oates was a bit of a bitch because he shot too much. Don't be a hero, make the pass, I always tell myself that. I'm going to make sure I stay under 5 goals. If you don't score, no one is bummed out when you fail in the playoffs. They can just blame Daniel." explained Henrik after the game.

- Jay Bouwmeester continued on his quest to play 30 minutes a night while getting the least amount of points of anyone with that kind of icetime. "To be honest, it just kind of comes naturally to me, I can't explain it. Somehow I've just always had the ability to play far far far beneath expectations, while still geting paid 7 + million a year. Anytime I don't score I just point out that I skate like Paul Coffey. 'So why did you give the puck away in the slot last night' they'll ask, and I just point to my skates and go 'Mr. Paul and Mr. Coffey say hello. I skate like the wind, my friends.' Then I usually start dancing, really feeling the music, I just start bobbing back and forth. Maybe I put on a little Patrick Swayze "You're like the wind" and really get into it. By this time most reporters move on to other people. Works every time."

- Jarome "Bring him behind the shed and shoot him already" Iginla had one assist and was minus one. Management stands by its commitment of not asking Jarome to waive his no trade clause. Upon hearing this Iginla remarked "Oh they aren't going to ask me to waive it? Shit."

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

The Good

Are you too good for your home??

- Mason "Ray Ray" Raymond scored a hat trick. And had an assist to boot. This is the guy we gave a raise to. This is the legit top 6 guy we've been waiting for. Sadly it only seems to happy against Calgary. Hopefully he continues his strong play against Chicago.

- Alex Burrows got another goal last night. Is slowly turning from ECHL Ball Hockey Legend Burrows into Top Line Winger Burrows again, as he comes back from his injury.

- Jeff Tambellini played another great game. Yes, he is on a short leash with AV in that if he loses one puck battle somehow that staples his ass to the bench while Bieksa can fuck up left and right but AV will ride him until the end of time.....but it's nice to see him forcing AV to have to play him on nights like tonight. Raymond and Kesler have been at their most dangerous when playing with another fast winger, as they even made Grabner look like a potential top line player, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that Tambellini has been able to fit in so well with them so quickly.

- Malholtra continues to dominate in every area of the game not related to scoring (Even though he had an assist). He is the kind of guy that helps you win playoff series.

The Bad

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast

- Tanner Glass continues to play mediocre. Not bad. Serviceable 4th liner. I just don't like giving him praise. So I enjoy adding him to the bad list. Was the worst of our forwards not named Joel Perrault.

- In a 7-2 loss, there aren't many bad options. Tanner Glass, you are the winner! Yay!

The Ugly

You forgot your club! Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee!

- Mikael Samuelsson continues to be the Geoff Courtnall of our time. Streaky mother***** who manages to get points in games that he plays poorly in. This guy can dominate in one round (LA) and then go invisible the next (Chicago). Frustrating to watch at times.

- Joel Perrault continues to assault my eyes with his hockey play. Sadly we have little to no options at 4th line center for this team. Hopefully Gillis can shore that up at the deadline.

- How does Keith Ballard playing the best game of his season in a top 4 role agianst a good Sharks team lead to him getting the bottom pairing assignment in next game? Wtf? What did Ballard do to AV? Did he 'Jeff Brown' AV's girlfriend or something? Geezus.

MS Paint Picture of the Game