(Ilya Kovalchuk seen here about to try out his new rights with soon to be Mrs. Annabeth Lexon)
New Jersey Scribe, November 4th, 2010 -
Following on the heels of being appointed an assistant captain for the New Jersey Devils, Ilya Kovalchuk was given full rights to sleep with any bride on her wedding night in the State of New Jersey. Pundits are already up in arms over this move, many of them exclaiming disgust at such a dated and sexist practice being used by an NHL club, but Lou Lamoriello politely disagrees.
"Quite frankly, I don't know why everyone is so upset about this." a clearly confused Lou Lamoriello exclaimed when reporters caught up to him. "Look, we've already given the man $100 million dollars, right? Next we gave him an "A", right? The next natural extension of that is giving him the rights to sleep with a bride on her wedding night. We've given this guy everything, why would we stop just before the bride rights? That makes no sense. We are an organization that is known for being a well run hockey club, and it just wouldn't make a whole lot of sense for us NOT to give Ilya those rights. It would be like giving Ilya a really nice Ferrari but then not giving him the keys to drive it." explained Lamoriello.
"You have to understand, we are a club that is intent upon winning the Stanley Cup. And you don't win the Stanley Cup unless you've got a happy, well rested team. And Ilya, well, you think the guy is going to want to have to go pick up girls on his own? Do you think he wants to have to try and go to the bars and have to explain to the women there what hockey is, and that he is indeed famous, and that they should in fact sleep with him because he is famous? Maybe in a Canadian city where everyone knows hockey we could get away with that. Hell, 4th liners in Ottawa get girls 24/7, Jarko Ruutu is swimming in tail. But in Jersey? No way. We can't expect Ilya to be wasting his energy and time tracking down women. This solution just makes it nice and simple, Ilya is given a list of the brides in the area, he goes down, picks one out, voila. Plus they already look real pretty because it's their wedding night, so Ilya doesn't have to put up with any girls that aren't really trying in the makeup department."
When asked about the sexist backlash this move might create, Lou again appeared perplexed. "I don't understand why people are having such a hard time with this. Look, you know why we made Ilya a healthy scratch? Because he kept missing practices. Why was he missing practices? Because he was up all night chasing down the ladies at the bar. Saying you're an NHL player in Jersey, geezus, you are better off telling someone you used to be Jason Kidd's mailman, that will get you more recognition then being an NHL player. So Ilya would be busting his balls trying to pick up the chicks, and then would stumble into practice late because of it. So I ask you, does it make sense to have your $100 million dollar player being a healthy scratch? No, of course it doesn't, that's friggin' retarded. So we stepped up as an organization, we talked to the mayor, and we got this clause added to Ilya's contract. Now he can pick up brides at his leisure and can show up well rested at our practices."
The questions didn't stop there, as one reporter wondered how the men of New Jersey would handle the news that Ilya would have full rights to their brides on their wedding night. "Look, come on, it's one night. Statistics show that 67% of marriages will involve cheating. So I ask you this, would you rather your wife cheat with some low life piece of pond scum that she met at the laundrymat, with god knows how many STD's, or would you rather her sleep with Ilya Friggin' Kovalchuk? This way she gets the cheating out of the way early, and at least it's with a friggin' NHL superstar. Hell, I got my wife to sleep with him last week. Best move I ever made, my marriage has never been better."
The questions of course continued to flood in, but Lamoriello cut the press conference short, claiming enough time had been spent on this issue. "What's done is done, alright? Nothing is going to change, I don't want to answer any more questions on this topic. And look, if you really are against this move, just, I don't know, just dress real ugly on your wedding day, ok? Odds are Ilya will pass you over if you do that."
So we know what the organization thinks of the move, but what do the fans think of the move? How happy are they with this decision? Brian Locke from Newark thinks it's a great idea.
"Look man, I'm 22 years old. I work in a saw mill, I don't have what you might call the most exciting and diverse life out there. As a result, I haven't had too many romps in the hay, if you catch my drift. Well, I'm engaged to be married and my biggest fear has been the Wedding Night. The thought of having to be my wife's first time, it's haunting me at night. What better solution than to have Ilya Friggin' Kovalchuk do the deed for me? I love my bride, I want nothing but the best for her. So why should I ruin her first time with an awkward 10 seconds of passion? Why not let Ilya go have "20 minutes of ice time" with my bride first? Let her know what sex could be like, give her something we can both work together towards over the next couple of years? Look, it's like if I wanted my bathroom fixed. Sure I could give it a go, try and patch it up, try and make it work. But odds are there will be leaks, things won't fit right, and someone is going to end up hurt. That's why you call in a professional. So that's what this would be like. I'd be calling in the pro. I really hope Ilya chooses my bride. My life would be so much easier, to be honest."
The chances are not everyone will view this as a positive thing like Brian Locke is, but it appears regardless of the popularity of the decision made by Lamoriello, this contract clause will go through unheeded. The Devils, who are well known for thinking outside the box, have once again made another bold move in hockey. Will it pay off? Time will tell. If anything, the odds of babies being born with immense hockey talent has improved dramatically in the state of New Jersey.
No comments:
Post a Comment