Monday, November 22, 2010

Canucks take a giant dump on my face. Twice.



Yup. This works.

Sigh. How times have changed. One week ago we were on top of the world. The Canadian dollar was on par with the American dollar. I had done some laundry. And I got a couple of a goals in ball hockey. Life was so good. And now? Well now I have laundry to do, I hit the post twice at hockey, and the dollar is no longer on par. And to top it off, the Canucks are doing their usual first half tailspin that seems to happen every year. The kind of drop in play that leaves the Canucks bleeding out points left and right. It's only November we say, it's all good. But it's not. It's not a good idea to drop games to teams we shouldn't be losing to. It just means we will have to watch the Canucks do another usual hard finish to the season to ensure they make the playoffs. God damnit Vancouver. Every year I believe you've changed only to find out you're still drinking and don't have a job yet. Why? Why do I let myself believe you every year?? You'll never change! *sob*

Anyways, I did a live action blog of the Chicago game, so I will post that, and then I will go over the Phoenix game, which I just finished watching. On my VCR. Never has the fast forward button been so useful.


Chicago vs Vancouver

6:55 - Getting ready for the game. Beer, check. Canuck hat, check. Texting everyone I know to tell them not to ruin the results of the UFC PPV for me, check.



6:57 - First of many jerk friends trying to be funny send me texts 'spoiling' the PPV for me.

6:59 - Game is about to start. Canucks are 3-7 against Chicago at home the last 3 years.

7:00 - Drink more beer to forget about latest Canuck vs Hawks fact.

7:04 - Fat man sings anthem. Runs out of breath. Makes crowd sing middle of anthem for him. I've seen this man play ball hockey. It is not pretty.

7:05 - The puck drops. I am still optimistic at this point.

7:07 - The Canucks come out flying. They are throwing hits left and right. Generating tons of shots on net. They are really trying to show Chicago that this year is going to be different. They are going to make Chicago scared to play Vancouver.

7:08 - I stop playing NHL 11 and realize that in reality the Canucks look like two drunk guys deciding who gets the couch and who gets the floor. Sloppy and indecisive play all over the ice. They have brought about as much intensity to this game as I did on a friday night working at Blockbuster. "What movie do I recommend? Go **** yourself."

7:10 - That is pass number 13 The Ehrhoff has bobbled. This is depressing.

7:12 - I apparently blinked and missed the fact the Canucks had a powerplay. The Canucks really got themselves amped for this game.

7:14 - I resist the urge to look up the pre-fight results for the UFC PPV undercard. Something tells me that will be the closest thing to a fight I see all night.

7:16 - Samuelsson gets a shot on net. I believe it was accidental.

7:17 - Luongo nearly touches the puck. LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

7:18 - Dave Bolland is on the ice and no one does a thing to him. Come on, at least spit in his general direction or something.

7:19 - Daniel Sedin sneezes on the bench. This has been the most exciting play so far.

7:23 - The Canucks had another PP but I didn't bother mentioning it. Why? Because there is enough depression in this world as it is.

7:27 - Hossa is running around our players. Ehrhoff has bobbled his 46th pass. Bieksa at one point fell to the ice to block a shot that never happened nor was close to happening.

7:30 - Canucks go down a man. Uh oh.

7:32 - Hey, Chicago is as bad as we are on the PP. Maybe we are trying to lull them into a false sense of security...

7:36 - And we take a penalty at the end of the period. Hamhuis got 2 minutes for throwing a body check. That's nice.

7:40 - The period ends 0-0. The Canucks looked like shit. But luckily, so did Chicago. My optimism is slowly fading.

7:43-8:00 - I have a discussion with one of my friends (The Optimist Friend, you know, the guy that thinks every loss is a good loss) about how the Canucks are going to certainly lose tonight, because that's just what they do. He assures me this is not the case.

8:01 - The puck drops on period 2. No one scores 30 seconds in, I consider this a victory.

8:03 - Johnny Toews is such a good player. I wish I could hate him, but I can't, he is just too good.

8:05 - And Toews scores. **** you Toews, I hate you. I've always hated you. It was a nice tip, though.

8:06 - After assuming we will lose 128812 to 0, I calm myself down and tell myself the Canucks will get the next one. Surely that goal will wake them up. They have to have some pride, right?

8:12 - Sweet jesus, Troy Brouwer just walked right around Ehrhoff. Holy shit. Troy "Do you know who I am? No? Either do I. I think I play for the Hawks?" Brouwer just 'Lombardi'd' Luongo. Awesome. Exposing Luongo's sweet sweet lateral movement. Sergei Gonchar is like a defensive wall compared to Ehrhoff on that play. Geezus. Argh. That goal was awful.

8:13 - Seriously, he walked RIGHT around Ehrhoff. How the **** do you let that happen??

8:13 - I mean, I'd get it if it was Patrick Kane, but Troy freaking Brouwer? Geezus.

8:15 - I ponder if hitting myself in the face with a hammer would be more enjoyable then watching this game. The game wins. For now.

8:19 - Oh son of a bitch, someone let Tanner Glass on to the ice. Quick, call security. Let's get that guy off there, nobody wants to see this.

8:20 - Oh good, Tanner Glass got a high stick. You'd think I'd be angry about this, but no, I am happy, it means Tanner Glass can indeed hold a hockey stick. That is more hockey talent then I thought he possessed.

8:22 - And now Seabrook scores. 3-0. Geezus. Why is this happening?

8:27 - And now Patrick "Hey Byfugilien, Ladd, Burish and Eager, I'll meet you at the bar....guys? guys?" Sharp scores. On a great pass from Marian "**** YOU! **** YOU! I ****ing HATE YOU" Hossa. I really hate how Luongo wanted to prove his lateral movement isn't shit. By lunging so far to the right so all he could do was watch helplessly as Patrick Sharp went back the other way and tucked the puck in the net.

8:30 - I would be remiss if I didn't say that Jannick Hansen stopped back checking on the Sharp goal and let his man go to the front of the net unheeded. For a player who is ONLY known for forchecking this is kind of an odd mood. This is like if I was a musician and when people came to my show I just began knitting for them. God damnit Jannick.

8:31 - I forgot to mention Corey Schneider entered the game. This is only noteworthy because it is one of the few updates I can make right now without swearing.

8:33 - Chicago hasn't scored again. That is kind of like a victory, right?

8:35 - I begin taking bets on what the post game sound clips will be from Vancouver. Will it be the "We just didn't get the bounces" line, or the "You have to give them credit, they implemented their gameplan" line? Which I always find amusing. They implemented their gameplan? Oh you mean the gameplan of winning the game? Yeah, that's too bad they implemented that. Too bad we didn't think of it.

8:37 - Mercifully the period ends with no more goals. Mostly do to the fact I think even Chicago is embarrassed for the fans. AV smirks happily behind the bench for god knows what reason.

8:40 - 8:56 - 2nd period intermission involves beer. Much beer. Now refusing to look at my texts for fear of running into 'that guy' who tries to be funny about spoiling the UFC results for me but ends up actually spoiling the results for me. "Too bad BJ Penn lost! Oops! ;)" Sigh.

8:57 - Puck drops. I wish it hadn't.

9:03 - 4 minutes have passed and no goals are scored. Schneider is looking solid in net. Maybe we can salvage this. It's a long shot but maybe-

9:04 - Oh **** off. Fernando "I used to be a **** Oiler" Pisani scores. Dear god. That is just downright embarassing. It's Fernando Pisani. There is nothing worse than having Pisani score on your team.

9:06 - I was wrong. There is something worse. Pisnani scored his second goal of the game. At this point I wish I had chosen the hammer option. Sweet sweet coma.....

9:10 - A Canuck almost throws a hit. Almost. But we wouldn't be good hosts if we actually threw a body check. Well played, Vancouver, well played. *SDUAJSDHAJDHjhacn .

9:12 - Oh look, Patrick Kane scored. I hope he picks up an ugly chick at the Roxy. Jerk.

9:17 - I am going through the stages of a blowout hockey loss. I am currently on Acceptance, which is the point where I begin to openly mock my team and cheer wildly when they get a single shot on net.

9:19 - YES! YES! YES! THE CANUCKS GOT A SHOT ON NET! WOOOO!

9:23 - Vancouver is having quite the parade to the penalty box. Which is actually quite amazing considering the lack of urgency the Canucks are playing with. I am honestly confused how you can get a penalty when you are in fact not playing hockey.

9:27 - Canucks score. Samulesson scores perhaps the best 'I don't give a ****' goal I have ever seen. If that hadn't gone in he wouldn't have cared.

Day 2: Chicago scores again. It is now 124 to 1.

9:30 - There was no Day 2 of my blog. That was a little joke I made. Tee hee.

9:32 - Dear god, why am I still watching this.

9:34 - I am frantically searching for my hammer.

9:35 - How a team that lost to Chicago not once, but TWICE in the playoffs, TWO years in a row, can come out playing like this.....This is beyond me. AV, wake your team the **** up.

9:37 - Markus Naslund tweets 'This is the most intense hockey I have seen in years. Glad i got out of the game, i wouldnt keep up. lolzor.'

9:38 - Markus Naslund tweets 'I miss you too, Todd. Your soft hands were the only thing that kept my back feeling good.

9:39 - Markus Naslund tweets 'Oh god, please ignore that last tweet.'

9:41 - Game mercifully ends. I did not find a hammer. My eyes are burning. Dear god Vancouver, on the pathetic scale, that might be off the charts.

9:43 - Throwing a snowball really hard helps alleviate anger at Canucks. That fence never saw it coming....





Normal review of the Coyotes game will be up tomorrow!

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