(Yes, the one picture in existence that actually makes Edmonton look like a nice place)
When: 6pm
When: Rogers Sportsnet, channel 22
Why: I will be playing hockey and recording the game on my VCR. What is this PVR thing you people speak of? Hold on, let me reset my abacus first....
Ah, Edmonton. The place Mrs. Pronger once called 'the' best city she has ever seen. Paraphrased of course. Yes, Edmonton, that little hole that players careers go to die, that is the scene of the crime for tonights game. The young up and coming Oilers taking on the cup contending Canucks. This should be a far better game then last nights debacle, and hopefully this game ends better than the 8 goal drubbing we received at the hands of the Oilers in pre-season.
Now, many of you might not have noticed, but Edmonton finally has a bit of a future going on here. "But Wyatt, how can that be, Edmoton is the Syberia of the NHL, nobody wants to play there. They would rather be stripped naked, beaten soundly with bags of oranges, and then be made to do read throughs of all the scripts for every single episode of Grey's Anatomy, even the scripts they didn't use! How dare you say they have a future, HOW DARE YOU!"
(If you know who this is, you will probably be saddened by my Grey's joke as you are a fan of this show)
Well first off, settle down. Secondly, yes, Edmonton finally figured out a way to get around the Syberia curse. How did they do it? I am glad you asked.
As many of you know, Edmonton is considered a bit of a dull city. A place where dreams go to die, etc etc. It is pretty much the last place that any gold digging wife wants to end up. Most NHL players wives would rather take the easy way out by jumping off a bridge rather than end up in Edmonton, because their list of nightlife and shopping options would be limited to the West Edmonton Mall. As much fine as it would be to get loaded on wine coolers, ride the Zipper and buy something from Old Navy, it somehow loses its charm after the third time. What about the mothers, you ask? What about the settled down wives that might like a bit of a low key city? Well there is low key, then there is Edmonton. Again, a mothers options at night would be make sure none of the seals on the house have broken so they don't freeze to death at night, or to salt their kitchen floor before bed so that the layer of ice that will form over night is at a manageable level. Or they can play Boggle.
(I tried googling 'Angry Boggle' and ended up with a picture of a flying Beagle. Go figure.)
So faced with this problem that any mature adult would rather eat shards of glass and drink some vinegar, baking soda, pop rocks, and coke, the Oilers realized the solution was starting them straight in the face. The 80's. The good old days. You know the 80's, right? It's the decade all Oilers fans run to the minute you talk hockey with them.
"So your team is struggling a bit, eh?"
"YEAH WELL WE HAD GRETZKY"
"Do you think you guys will make the playoffs this year?"
"WE WON 5 CUPS!""What do you want for lunch?"
"IN THE 80'S WE DOMINATED."
Yes, THAT decade. So the Oilers realized they needed to draw from the past success, and do it again, to try and repeat their past glory. So what did they do? Did the bring in truckloads of cocaine? No, that is something that only worked in the 80's, you can't distract that many wives with cocaine anymore. No, they decided to go right around the problem and get the players in BEFORE they had wives. To get them when they were fresh faced 18 year olds who come from small towns who have no idea how shitty Edmonton really is. Basically they needed to make sure the world hadn't gotten to them first.
So they brought in a truckload of good young players, who will hopefully bond together (Probably with cocaine, it still serves a purpose), instead of with women (Mark Messier and Glen Anderson excel at this), and realize that if they stay in Edmonton together, they have the best chance at winning the cup. This is what happened with Gretzky, Messier, Coffey, Fuhr, Anderson, Kurri, etc etc. They were brought in young when they didn't know any better. All they knew was that cocaine was plentiful, and the fact Edmonton had two, count it, TWO whole strip clubs where ladies took off their clothes amd $20 got you into the champagne room, well geezus, what more could a young man want? Why would they ever leave that? That's what they have done now. They've brought them in young, before they realize there are better cities out there, so they can try and win before they get married and their wives demand they play elsewhere.
(Charlie Sheen, the king of the 80's life style. Seen here ironically playing the coke head he would later become)
So now we have to realize that in the future, Jordan Eberle is going to tie the game up with 4 seconds left all the time, Taylor Hall will get his 50th goal against us, Magnus Pavarrji will set a rookie record for assists in a game, and Omark will deke Luongo out of his jock on a regular occurence. The only thing left to see is if the Oilers tank this year and grab Adam Larsson, the potential franchise d-man who will most likely be next years top pick, as the only thing the Oilers lack right now is defence. And goaltending. But goaltending has degraded to the point where Michael Leighton and Antii Niemmi are considered Stanley Cup calibre goaltenders, so that isn't too much of a concern right now.
So my advice is to make fun of Edmonton while you can. Do it every single chance you get. Because in the next couple of years, Edmonton will turn into a good team. And they will beat us in the playoffs. And soon they will talk about how they are cup contenders AND the fact they used to have Gretzky. Yes, my friends, our worst fear is approaching: The year of the cocky Edmonton Oiler fans is almost back upon us. You thought Calgary fans were awful? That is nothing compared to an excited, optimistic Oiler fans. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband, because the Oilers rapin errbody out here.
(Ah internet meme's, however did I live without you)
Keys to the Game:
-Canucks need to expose the Oilers shitty defence and the fact half of their team is a bunch of rookies. Play hard, play strong, and expose them! Expose!!!
-Stay out of the penalty box. Don't let Eberle show his magic off against us, don't let Hall have time to get his shot off. I'm looking at you, Kevin...
-Make sure Luongo knows it's November. Not October. November.
-Don't let our 4th line play much.
-If our 4th line plays, I swear to f-ing god, Debsiens better be the guy to take on Huggie Bear Stortini, not Tanner Glass. Why Glass fights while Desbiens piddles around in the corner is beyond me. Screw you Desbiens. In 2 games when Rypien is back, I better see your ass back on its way To Manitoba. But no, this is AV, he will send Schaefer, who is at least useful at the PK, to the Moose, and keep Desbiens for that supposed toughness he brings to the lineup. Arg.
-Make drunk driving motions to Khabibulin. All. Game. Long. Burrows, I'm looking at you.
-Score more than the other team #JohnMaddenAdvice
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