March 21st, 2011 - New York - 10:31 am EST
Security Liason: Come right this way Mr. Cooke
Matt Cooke: OK, thank you.
Security Liason: Betcha can't eat just one
Matt Cooke: What?
Security Liason: Want to hang out with Stanley Cup winner for a day?
Matt Cooke: I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
Security Liason: Hahah, it's ok, most people get kind of nervous when meeting me. You don't have to pretend you don't know me. I won't bite.
Matt Cooke: .....Who are you?
Mark Messier: Come on Matt, no need to be shy. You can say hi to your hero Mark Messier.
Matt Cooke: Oh......Mark Messier....I guess that IS you....
Mark Messier: Yup. It's tough to do this job with all the fans around, always asking for my autograph, but somebody has to do it. Luckily you caught me during a slow period.
Matt Cooke: I don't see anyone around-
Mark Messier: Oh. They must be in the bathroom. This building has very pretty bathrooms. Donald Trump uses these washrooms. So. You know. Or getting food. YES! Food. That works better.
Matt Cooke: Ok.......right. So you're a security guard now, huh?
Mark Messier: Oh you'd be amazed at the things I'd do for money Matt. Amazed. Mind. Blown. Kapooooooooooow. Once, I had Gary Coleman in the locker room and Jari goes "Mess, I bet you wouldn't-"
Matt Cooke: I probably don't need to know anything more than that. Look, sorry to be rude, but I've got a lot on my mind right now, I'm not really in the mood for chatting-
Mark Messier: No need to apologize Matt. I like your style. You live life by your own rules. And if life gives you rules you don't like, you ELBOW THEM IN THE FACE. Who needs rules when you look as good as we do, right? Hell, people should pay US to play hockey for them, am I right?
Matt Cooke: Well, ok, for one thing, they do pay us to play for them, and secondly, look, I don't just elbow my way through life-
Mark Messier: Matthew, Matthew, Matthew..... it's just you and me in here. No need to be shy. I get it. I understand what it's like, man. We're hockey players. We're better than the average man. Fact. And if the average joe wants to try and control us through a bunch of arbitrary nonsense.....well then we just don't take it. We make our own rules. Because maybe, you know, maybe Glen Anderson MEANT to tie that escort up and leave her in the closet for two hours.....maybe Grant Fuhr accidentally had a little too much nose candy and ended up trying to have relations with Gretz's couch for several hours leading to an embarassing rash.......maybe Paul Coffey did urinate on Bobby Orr's jersey at the Hall of Fame........Who cares! We're hockey players damnit. We can do what we want. It's our right. And anyone who says otherwise? BAMN! ELBOW!
Matt Cooke: Oh boy....ok look, I really would like to just be left alone-
Mark Messier: It's ok, I get it. Got a few of your own 'escorts' in the closet do yah? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Matt Cooke: No.....no. I really don't.
Mark Messier: Of course you don't. Of course you don't.
Matt Cooke: Please stop winking at me.
Mark Messier: Want to bump elbows?
Matt Cooke: No. Please. No.
Mark Messier: Alright, I'll get you next time. It looks like they're ready for you Mr. Cooke. You can go on in. And don't worry, if anyone asks, I won't say a word about the lady problems.
Matt Cooke: Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about....stop winking....
Mark Messier: Have a good day there Mr. Cooke
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Secretary: Hi Mr. Cooke, you can go in, Mr. Campbell is waiting for you.
Matt Cooke: Thanks.....hey, did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Manon Rheaume?
Manon: That's because I am her.
Matt Cooke: What an odd cameo.
Manon: I know.
Matt Cooke: Well tell your security guard I was sorry for being a bit short with him.
Manon: Oh. Well he's not really a security guard.
Matt Cooke: Messier said he was-
Manon: He just shows up. Everyday. Asking for jobs. Everyday. Every. Single. Day. So we just give him random job titles and it seems to appease him.
Matt Cooke: Are you serious?
Manon: Yes. Yesterday he was....ah yes, that's right, he was the Mayor of the Bathrooms. A lawsuit is pending on that one. The day before that he was the Lord of the Cafeteria. A twelve year old got a concussion from that one. The day before that he was the homicide detective assigned to cubicle 45. He stapled a mans face to the wall. And today, well, he is the security liason for Mr. Campbell. Amazingly no one has been hurt yet.
Matt Cooke: Geezus...isn't there a job title that you can give him that would make sure he couldn't hurt anyone or do any more damage to?
Manon: Yes, tomorrow he will be the GM of the Rangers.
Matt Cooke: Well played. Well played.
Manon: I'd love to stay and chat longer but if I speak to another man for more than 5 minutes Messier threatens to tie me up and leave me in Glen Andersons closet, so it would probably be best if you just went in now.
Matt Cooke: Right. Thanks. Ok, see you around.
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Colin Campbell: Matthew David Cooke, please come in and have a seat. So, you know why I've called you here today, right?
Matt Cooke: Yes, I'm pretty sure we're all aware of why I'm here.
Colin Campbell: So there is no need for me to go over the incident in question?
Matt Cooke: Well, no, I know what happened. If I could just tell my side-
Colin Campbell: So you agree that what you did had to be done?
Matt Cooke: No, no, I'm not saying it HAD to be done, but I am saying that-
Colin Campbell: So you're saying if given the chance, you'd do it again?
Matt Cooke: No no no! God no. Look, I know I have a history of these kind of things-
Colin Campbell: So you're saying you think it's good for the game? What you did is good for the game?
Matt Cooke: No, of course not. OK, let me explain myself-
Colin Campbell: Oh I intend to let you explain Mr. Cooke. I fully intend to. So let me ask you one question. How did it feel?
Matt Cooke: What? How did it...feel?
Colin Campbell: Yes. Tell me. How did it feel?
Matt Cooke: How did it feel when? What??
Colin Campbell: How did it feel when your elbow connected....
Matt Cooke: I didn't enjo-
Colin Campbell: With Marc Savards head?? Did you feel his head snap backwards?? Did you see the light dim in his eyes?? Did you see his career dying in front of you? Oh man, I WISH I could have been there!
Matt Cooke: ..........wait, what?
Colin Campbell: I just have to shake the hand of the man who put that diving little bastard in his place. I hear his season is over this year as well. The gift that keeps on giving! He might never recover. You, my friend, are a god. WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY! Hahahah.
Matt Cooke: So wait, you brought me down here....to congratulate me??
Colin Campbell: Of course! You put that little smartass in his place! That will teach him not to pass to my son in the slot on the PP. Piece of trash.
Matt Cooke: But....what about my elbow against the Rangers?
Colin Campbell: You elbowed someone else? Someone who wasn't Savard?
Matt Cooke: Yes, it's all over the news
Colin Campbell: Did you mean to hit him?
Matt Cooke: Well, kind of-
Colin Campbell: Did he remind you of Savard?
Matt Cooke: What? No, not really
Colin Campbell: Not even a tiny bit?
Matt Cooke: I guess they both have short hair-
Colin Campbell: He's not friends with Gregory is he?
Matt Cooke: Nope.
Colin Campbell: Good enough for me. Grab a ball out of this bag-
Matt Cooke: The one labelled 1-5, 5-20, or Bertuzzi?
Colin Campbell: Not the Bertuzzi bag, we only use that if ESPN runs the story. Grab the 1-5 bag. I think we lost the 5 ball, and the 4 looks kind of like a 3 now, so we just call it a 3, but pick a ball.
Matt Cooke: OK.......the ball says 3.
Colin Campbell: Perfect. 3 games. Sound good?
Matt Cooke: I....guess?
Colin Campbell: Excellent. OK, thanks for coming down Matt. Real nice seeing you again. Do me a favor, though, if you see Mario on the way out, tell him I went out for lunch. Also, if people start whining about the suspension, I might have to make you pull a number out of the Bertuzzi bag. Depends if the story makes Sports Centre. You know how it is. Have to pretend I'm doing my job and all that.
Matt Cooke: Oh......ok, thanks. Thanks again Colin.
Colin Campbell: No problem, no problem. And Matt? If I ever need another player....."Savard'ed".....I know I can count on you, right Matt?
Matt Cooke: What?
Colin Campbell: If I ever need another situation 'looked into', I will just text you the details.....and you'll take care of it? Right?
Matt Cooke: **** yes Mr. Campbell.
Colin Campbell: Excellent. Have a good day now Matt.
Matt Cooke: Oh I will.
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