Game Day Preview: Devils vs Canucks

(Yes, this is actually Ilya Kovalchuk)

When: Tonight at 7
Where: On stupid Rogers Sportsnet Vancouver, the new channel I don't get.

Oh New Jersey. How I dislike thee. New Jersey, they of the worst style of hockey ever, is coming to town. Am I looking forward to this game? No. Why? Because I hold onto sports stereotypes with a grip so tight that even the jaws of life would not be able to sever my mind from them. It is because of this that:

-Bo knows sports. If an alien race came down and said that we needed to nominate one human to take on their challenger in a variety of intergalactic sporting events, and that we could choose any human from any time, I would choose Bo Jackson. Nike wouldn't lie to me. Ever. Not like Reebok. I bought your air pump shoes. I didn't jump any higher. Lying bastards.

(Pump, pump, pump it up! *cry*)

-The Flyers are a dirty team. It doesn't matter what year it is or who is on that team, I would assume they were a bunch of cheap assholes who took pleasure in hurting people. Even if they had a timid french Canadien on their team that looked kind of like Jack White, I would assume he would cross check someone in the face off of the faceoff. Wait...

(Danny Briere proving that wearing a visor doesn't mean you're a pussy. Being Danny Briere makes you a pussy.)

-Every baseball player to ever hit a home run in the 90's was on steroids. At this point, if you managed to hit even one home run, even if it bounced off of Jose Canseco's head (which was also steroid enhanced), you were on steroids. If you weren't jacked up out of your mind, ready to punch the first person in the media to event hint that you weren't 100%  natural muscle and talent, you obviously weren't trying hard enough. I also assume Barry Bonds looks in the mirror and cries every day, before wiping off the tears and trying to decide how much leather to wear that day.

(Jose Canseco's infamous home run. Now being made into a book by Jose. 'The day the lights went out')

-Patrick Ewing sweats more than it rains in the Amazon. This isn't a stereotype, I just wanted to mention that Patrick Ewing sweats more than 3 obese children at a McDonald's after they've been told they've run out of Big Mac's. He had his own personal mopper at his games to sop up the puddles after he was done standing under the hoop. True Fact: Patrick Ewing once drowned 3 ladies during a night of passion. CSI: Miami solved it. They can solve anything.

No, but really, the man sweats a lot.

(Patrick after watching that episode of Fresh Prince where Will's dad leaves him)

All of which leads me to:

The New Jersey Devils will ALWAYS be the most boring team in hockey. They could invent the flux capacitor tomorrow, travel back in time, snag Gretzky, Lemiuex, Orr and Bure to play on the Devil's, and somehow the game would turn into a dump and chase game, trying to protect a 0-0 tie. How this organization has any fans is beyond me. Well, I guess winning the Cups helps, but could you imagine trying to watch this team in the late 90's? They would score one goal and you might as well go home, that was it, the ol' 1-0 special that we all know and love from the late 90's.

Coming off of the peak of hockeys popularity , New Jersey somehow found a way to kick hockey directly in the balls, pull the jersey over the head of hockey, and shove it tumbling off its perch as a sport that might be managing to surpass the NBA in the US, before settling firmly back at the bottom nestled safely between Nascar repeats and Women's Bowling.

So I find it somewhat amusing to see a team that has for YEARS been basically a cult of defence (Church of Trapintology? We must dispell your offensive thetans? Take our personality test, please!) go out and try and land one of the WORST defensive players of our time. Ilya Kovalchuk's dedication to defense makes Pavel Bure look like Guy Carbonneau. The guy can score, I will give him that. He has one of the best one timers in the NHL. But if you look up the word one dimensional in the dictionary, well, you won't find a picture of Kovalchuk, because that would have involved Ilya spending time away from the offensive zone to pose for the picture, which he isn't going to do.

On top of that, Ilya has a reputation for not being a winner, and not being a team player. Again, two things New Jersey typically doesn't look for in their players.

So yes, I find it very amusing that Ilya has a huge contract from New Jersey, and has helped New Jersey get off to a stellar 5 point start, which is coinciding nicely with the fact Zach Parise, New Jersey's true superstar, now apparently wants out of the swamp and wants to play elsewhere. Why is this happening? Why did they sign Ilya? I assume it is because of:

A) Lou Lamorello has gone senile and joined Jerry Jones and Al Davis as being that 'old guy you should probably avoid' when walking down the hallways of work because god knows if today is the day he's going to wake up thinking he is back in World War 2 and that you're the enemy. "Done by Christmas, right boys? Right? Let's take the ridge! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" screams Lou as he charges at Tim the intern, stapler in hand.

B) The owners really really want to change that stereotype of being a boring team. Even to the point of making their teams new identity that of being the team that is really really bad. Ridicilously bad. Believe me, New Jersey, being a Canucks fan, you don't want that. Trust me. As much fun as the late 90's were for you guys, we had Mark Messier leading us to.....well, he didn't really lead us anywhere. But he ate chips. And went to strip clubs. And missed the playoffs every single year here. And tore up the dressing room. And generally failed at life anyway possible. So at least try and get Ilya to get past those lofty goals Messier set for us here in Vancouver. Don't let the front office turn into a gong show just because you bought a fancy new toy.

C) They just want to finish last to snag a franchise d-man in the draft with a top 3 pick, a la Tampa Bay. Nothing says awesome like watching the Canucks lose every year only to see Tampa Bay win a cup, go on to lose for a bit, snag Stamkos, then look like they are right back in the mix for the Cup again. I guess if you're going to lose, lose big. Unless you've traded your draft pick to Boston. Then it's probably not such a good idea.

Anyways, enough rambling, let's get onto the keys to the game.

Keys to the Game:

-New Jersey has 5 points. They have been playing better. But they have 5 points. The Canucks are also awesome at home. The Canucks should win this one. Also Broduer is traditionally very average against us.

-Ballard is probably back. Ryan Parent is out, however. If you are the one guy who drafted Ryan Parent in your hockey pool....well, you're probably not winning that pool. Hopefully Ballard can play more than the 13 minutes he is averaging this season.

-Hamhius is still out. Our Mitchell clone is not back yet because of a bone bruise. This saddens me.

-We are one game away from Burrows being back or as it's called around here "One game left of Jeff Tambellini's career."

-AV kind of ripped on Samulesson last week. Will Sammy wake up? Or will his Mogilny impersonation continue?

-Is Brodeur done? Will we heckle him vis a vis the 2010 Olympic memories? Brodeur has looked awful this season, but to be fair, it's because he actually has to stop the puck now, where as before, Scott Stevens made most of the saves.

Tune in tomorrow for the post game recap! And then the Oiler game preview!