Rick Rypien Loses His Mind

Rick Rypien, pictured above trying to gouge out the eye of a San Jose player, has apparently decided that feasting on the blood of fellow NHL'rs is not enough, as he has now moved on to trying to main and destroy NHL fans, as well.

In a game that Roberto Luongo described as "Get the hell away from me. Are you even a reporter? Are you even allowed back here? Who are you?", Rick Rypien decided in the first period that enough was enough, and he decided to attack a fan in the stands; Not so, according to Rypien.

"I truly have no idea what the problem is. Has the world gotten too politically correct? I wasn't fighting the fan, I thought it was a hot girl. It looked like she wanted it. So I went in for a little taste, thought I would see how ripe the fruit was an-"

At this point a Canucks media relations member ran in quickly and ushered Rypien away. When Rypien came out later, his story had changed slightly.

"I thought the fan was on fire. I was merely trying save their lives. You can clearly see me patting down the fan, trying to put out the fire. You people should be calling me a hero. I just saved a life and you asshol-"

Again, Rypien was ushered quickly out b the media relations member of the Canucks. Rypien finally emerged later to tell what he claims was the "total truth".

"OK, I didn't want to give away my reasons for attacking the fan, but it looks like I have to, to clear my name. You see, people think I'm stupid. People think I lost it, right? People out there are going 'oh Rick, what is wrong with you? Why would you attack a fan? Why would you do something so stupid??', but that's cuz they aren't thinking. They don't see the whole picture, man. I mean, look, Minnesota was beating us pretty soundly, right? Well fine, let them have their short term victory. Me? I look at the big picture. Who pays the players salaries? The owners. And where do the owners get their money from? That's right. The fans. So if a team should lose all its fans, how is the owner going to pay the players? They won't. Team folds. Vancouver wins. Minnesota is out of the league. You're welcome." explained Rypien after the game. "That's the problem with the Twins. They think they can score their way to victory. You have to think bigger than that, man. I should have been made captain. F*** Henrik. We take out Minnesota by taking out one fan at a time. High five?"


After an awkward 5 seconds of no one high fiving him, Rypien giggled slightly then made a grenade sound, pantomined a explosion, winked at several of us, then moonwalked out of the room.

We decided to ask several Canuck players about Rypiens actions, to see if they could provide any insight. Corey Schneider told us that "I don't want to say much, really. He.....he can kind of lose his temper. It was probably my fault. I know how he gets. I probably shouldn't have egged him on. That was stupid of me. God, I better make him some dinner. Please don't tell him I was talking to you. He doesn't like me talking to other fellas. OK I have to go."

When asked about the Rypien situation, Malholtra was more forethcoming.

"I'm pretty sure he needs to be in a mental hospital. The dude eats wax candles at lunch. That's it. It's all he eats. He claims it makes him 'Solid as an Eagle." I don't even know what that means. It can't mean anything good."

Perhaps the best insight into the mind of Rypien would be from a fellow fighter. We tracked down ex teamate Darcy Hordichuk and we asked Darcy what he thought of the situation.

"Yeah yeah, that Rypien thing, that's a shame. Look man, I just need a job man. Do you need me to wash your car? I can wash your car. I can do other things. I can teach you how to boxercise? I can watch movies with you? I'm a fun guy to watch movies with. I'm always making comments and my wife is always like "Oh Darcy, you're such a card". I can quote movies with you. 'We're going to need a bigger boat!' Ahaha. See that? We're bonding. Can I have $20?"


Pehaps we will never know the true intentions of Rick Rypien. Perhaps this sort of thing is to remain a mystery. But if you do need some housework done, Darcy Hordichuk is available for any of your needs. All he asks for is a pair of socks, $5, and a bag of ritz crackers.