Inside Information

Due to my impeccable connections, I was able to get a look at the questionaires the Canucks gave to their potential Captains to fill out when they were looking into who should be captain. Check below for the results.



Question 1: A child is caught in a burning building, but he is on the third floor. The parents are trapped on the bottom floor. You only have time to save either the parents, or the child. Who do you save?

Henrik: You save the child. The children are our future, and the parents, they might have a chance to find their way out of there without my help. The child, he is the one in need of the most help here.

Ryan: Is the mom hot? Haha, just kidding. No, that's a hard one. That's what she said! Hahaha. No no just kidding. Well, I wouldn't want to be burnt, really, because no offense, but I have the skills that pay the bills, so I don't think I would want to climb all over shit and have to get burnt trying to get to that third floor. I'd snag the parents, go home and have a shower, then kick some ass on my new NHL 2K11 game for the Wii. Parents can have more kids, am I right?

Tanner Glass: I just want to have a job. I don't want to answer the question wrong. Please, just let me keep my job.

2. You've just been kicked out of the game by the ref after being eye gouged by another player. As you are leaving the game, a fan taunts you and says "Way to be professional". What do you do?

Daniel: What did Henrik write? I choose whatever Henrik wrote. Unless he wrote a wrong answer. Then I choose the opposite.

Rypien: I don't know....I can kind of lose my temper a lot. I don't know what I would do. God, I think walking away would be the best answer? Though I don't know, my gut instinct isn't always right. I should probably ask Hamhuis about this one. He's a level headed guy, I'll just do what he does.

Hamhuis: That's tough, you know, because emotions are running high in a game like that and you've just been kicked out and a fan is taunting you? I would probably have to fall back on my faith, settle myself for a moment, THEN YANK THAT PEICE OF SHIT OUT OF THE STANDS, OVER THE RAILING, AND STOMP A HOLE IN HIS STUPID UGLY FACE. If anyone EVER claps at me, so help me god, I will hunt down their family and their friends, and I will end them all. END. THEM. ALL.


Question 3: It's 4-3 in a close game, and the other team has just pulled their goalie. Your linemate already has 2 goals on the night, and has never scored a hat trick before in his career. As the play on the ice develops, the puck lands on your stick and you break into the zone, and you have a pretty clear shot of the net. Your linemate is covered, but you think you might be able to get the pass through. What do you do?

Henrik: That's another tough one. I would have to shoot the puck in the net because the needs of the team are the most important thing, not individual success. Then I would tell my linemate he had a great game, and that a hat trick wouldn't change a thing. Unless it was Daniel, then I might poke a little fun at him. Ho ho ho. That was a joke. I wouldn't poke fun at Daniel. I'd probably give him a big hug and sing some Abba to him softly. Unless he wasn't in the mood for Abba. Then I would sit quietly and respect Daniel's space.

Morrison: So I can't help but wonder why I still don't have a contract. I er, did everything you guys wanted, right? Sooooo, I'm filling out a captaincy form, that's a good sign, right? I made the team, right? Guys? Guys? Don't make me play in Calgary. I guess I'll see my contract after I'm done filling this out.....right? Guys?
Desbiens: I'd probably get the puck into the corner and try and grind it out for a couple of minutes. AV is pretty adamant about things. He doesn't want me shooting. Ever. Not even passing the puck in the direction of the net. He says that's too dangerous and I should play within my limits. He beats me if I do otherwise. It doesn't hurt when he does it, but it gets kind of awkward seeing his face get all red and swatting his arms at me. Sometimes he chokes on his gum. I don't need that kind of crap in my life to be honest.

Question 4: You've just left the arena, and you are ready to go home. It's your first night back from a 14 day road trip, but you just remembered that you have a media obligation later in the night. Do you a) blow off the media obligation, they can go F themselves, or do you b) carry out the obligations?

Samuelsson: Do I even have to write this? They can go F themselves.

Keith Ballard: Media? What's that? No, seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about. The guy who sells hotdogs at the arena? I'm drawing a blank here.

Grabner: I would 'waive' goodbye to the media. Get it? Waive? Because I was waived? God I hate my life.

Question 5: You are about to leave the arena for the night, when a pair of girls walk up to you and ask if you want to 'party' with them? They look kind of young. What do you do?

Kesler: Legally I am not allowed to be within 20 yards of them so.....just kidding, just kidding. Don't print that. My mom would hate that. What would I do, eh? Well, is there grass on the field? HAhah, no no, just kidding. Don't write that either. Ah god, what would I do. Well, if Shane O'Brien was here, I think we'd see the Eifel Tower....if you know what I mean.....ok wait, oh god, please don't write that either. I don't know what's wrong with me. Undo! Undo! Hahaha. Ah. I'm not getting the 'C' am I.

Henrik: I would tell them to take a cab home and get some sleep. I would then go finish building the homes for the homeless that I was working on. I would probably put off my efforts to save polar bears around the world and would just go to bed. I know, I feel so seflish sometimes.

Daniel: I'd take them to Henrik's bed and I'd sleep with them. I'd make them call me Henrik. Then I'd make them call me captain. Captain Henrik. Captain F****** Henrik. How do you think he got his first kid?