Transcript of Matt Cooke's disciplinary hearing

March 21st, 2011 - New York - 10:31 am EST

Security Liason: Come right this way Mr. Cooke

Matt Cooke: OK, thank you.

Security Liason: Betcha can't eat just one

Matt Cooke: What?

Security Liason: Want to hang out with  Stanley Cup winner for a day?

Matt Cooke: I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Security Liason: Hahah, it's ok, most people get kind of nervous when meeting me. You don't have to pretend you don't know me. I won't bite.

Matt Cooke: .....Who are you?

Mark Messier: Come on Matt, no need to be shy. You can say hi to your hero Mark Messier.

Matt Cooke: Oh......Mark Messier....I guess that IS you....

Canucks Wildly Run Wild over Wild Wild /#TSN Title

Kesler seeks position in government. Or he is stealing popcorn. Either or.

The Vancouver Canucks just keep rolling these days, their latest victim, the Minnesota Wild. The Canucks decided one periods worth of effort was enough as they jumped to a 3-0 lead quickly, and held on for the 4-2 win. Minnesota is in a tailspin as of late, and they were desperate for the points, making it all the more impressive that the Canucks once again have managed to take two points from a team so desperate to win. I am kind of torn of whether I enjoy squashing Minnesota's playoff hopes (Damn you 2003 playoffs....damn you) or whether I would rather have Calgary sweat it out more by having their opponents gain some points. Winning is always the best options in the end, though, so good on the Canucks for telling Minnesota to bite the curb. Is it too early to bust out an American X reference? Nah.

So for those of you who may have missed the game, or those who watched the game but are just on the edge of your seat wondering what I thought of the game, I present to you the highlights of the game. Due to lack of advertising, I don't have a cool name for this segment (Frito Lays Presents Wyatt's Hilights of the Game is not in my future sadly), but if I did, I'd like to think I'd enter a pretty graphic for it right about here.

-Raffi Torres scored what might have been one of the weakest goals in recent memory, as he unleashed a wrist shot from just inside the blue line that somehow managed to find its way behind Backstrom. As a goalie myself, I can break down Backstroms thought process for you. Imagine I am speaking with a Finnish accent, for full effect:

Backstrom: OK buddy boy, we can do this. God, I hate the Ikea. Long live the Finland! We are to be having an exciting time, ja? OK, here we go, game time. Time to make the saves, makes the ladies excited in the panties, and to reclaim all the glory for Finland. Ok, here we go, here comes the ginger man with no soul, here he comes, look at that pathetic soul patch of hair, you call that a beard, pfft. Oh, what is this, a wrist shot? He thinks he can beat ME with a wris-

NO! JA! NO! JA! NO! JA! NO!

My defenceman....he must have tipped it.....the puck....it isn't calibrated correctly....my glove....it has defect......the lights.....are too bright....is that a laser pointer.....it must have......I think......

Shit.

That is the life of a goalie folks. Scramble to try and lay the blame elsewhere before finally accepting the fact it was our fault, then drowning in self disgust. The truth is rarely pretty.

- At the begining of the year I thought putting Kesler with the Twins on the PP was  a terrible terrible idea. I stand firmly corrected, and I admit I am an idiot. This unit put on a PP clinic last night, passing the puck around like it was on a string. They kept the puck away from the Wild so effectivley that you almost felt bad for how stupid the Wild looked for thinking they could get the puck out of the zone. Until you remembered Darby Hendrickson scoring on Dan Cloutier in Raffi Torres like fashion from just inside the blue line back in 2003. Then you wanted Daniel to score, kick Backstrom to the ground, pull down his pants, and take a huge du-Wait, where was I? OK, in the end Kesler potted a goal, and much recjoicing was heard. 'Kesler Bomb!!!' was heard around the Province, and much giggling was had.

-Malholtra was a beast all night long. As games become more and more like playoff games as we reach the end of the year, you see a glimpse of which players might excel and which players might shrink away from the tight, hard nature of playoff hockey. And while I realize that last sentence was perhaps a tad bit erotic, it doesn't negate from the fact that Malhotra was putting his body on the line left and right to make sure the Wild didn't tie that game up. Come playoff time, you need players like Malholtra to win series

-Higgins also showed some moxy, as he too, played strong along the boards, and drove hard to the net. Said Higgins after the game "I eat pieces of shit like Minnesota for breakfast." thus bringing a rousing applause from Happy Gilmore fans everywhere.

-As for Shooter McGavin himself, Mason Raymond, once again he pulled off his mysterious magicians act that has stumped people for years. The Disappearing Raymond act that has people dying to know how he does it.

"Magicians never tell" smirked Mason Raymond after the game. "It's just something I was born with. My entire family has always been blessed with the ability to disappear during high stress situations. I knew at a young age that it was just something that came naturally to me. Playing dodegball in elementary school? People would think it was over, then BAM, I'd appear out of nowhere. People not even realizing I was gone. I'd of course be disqualified for leaving the playing field and hiding in the locker room, but the important thing is that rubber ball didn't hit me. It never hit me. Safety first folks, remember that. I just hope I can maintain that high standard and carry on the family tradition for this years playoff run. Fingers crossed, I won't get a single mark on me during this years playoffs."

When asked if that style of play might limit his effectiveness, Raymond laughed and responded "I have the shot of a two year old, I hardly think that will be missed" before his agent came rushing into the room to whisk Raymond away.

-Luongo played another really solid game tonight. He is quietly having one of the best seasons of his career, on par with his first amazing season with the Canucks. When asked if giving up the captaincy has helped him this year, Luongo responded "Yeah, I think it helped. Because I always know....that no matter what.....I'm still the captain.......of my pants. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." before awkwardly trying to high five team mates around him.

-Chris Tanev on being able to play with someone else besides Aaron Rome "THANK YOU.....OH MY GOD.......*SOB*......THANK YOU KEITH.......THANK YOU......"

- Aarom Rome on having to be Aaron Rome and play with himself all the time: "Even I don't want to play with myself."

-Bieksa on playing with Aaron Rome "This is why I cut myself. To get away from Aaron. Now people finally know the truth."

OK, that's it for the recap, see you next time!

Canucks Game Day Preview: Vancouver Canucks vs Minnesota Wi...zzz.....

Props to 'egatti' from Canucks.com for the awesome kesler bomb

As Jeff Goldblum would say "Life.....ah.......ah.......ah.......ah........ah..........will find a......ah......ah.......ah........way." Or in this case, Ryan Kesler will find a way, to get in another photo. Apparently Keslers photo bombing is all the talk in the dressing room.

(Read more at

http://www.theprovince.com/sports/hockey/canucks-hockey/Interview+Bomber+talk+Canucks+room/4433412/story.html )

Why do I talk about Kesler's photographic antics you ask? Why start off a gameday preview with Ryan Kesler's interview antics being the main focal point? What about the game, Wyatt, the game??

Because quite simply, there aren't many constants in the world, but one of those constants is the fact any Minnesota game will be 'shoot me in the head now, please, dear god, now' boring. Minnesota Wild games make you feel like changing the channel to Nascar. Never will the beauty and grace and understated brilliance of Nascar be as clear as when watching it right after a Minnesota Wild game.

There are a variety of ways this game could play out, but they will all end with the same thing.

Yep.

Uh huh.

You must be getting it by now...

Well that one confuses things a bit....

Assuming you followed that picture trail to its conclusion properly, you will notice that I think this game will end up with that beautiful gift of Jacques Lemaires that keeps on giving, THE TRAP.

Minnesota scores first? Get ready for neutral zone hockey at its finest. Nothing says hockey excitement like chipping the puck off the glass and lining up in the neutral zone to defend that lead.

Vancouver scores first? Get ready for neutral zone hockey at its finest. Nothing says hockey excitement like chipping the puck off the glass and lining up in the neutral zone to maybe get a lucky bounce to tie the game up.

Vancouver opens up a multi goal lead? Neutral zone hockey. Chip off the glass. repeat.

So yes, I am not expecting much in the way of an amaing game tonight. Add in the fact Vancouver just Blitzkrieged their roadtrip, reeling off 5 straight wins, add in Minnesota needing these points FAR more than we do, and add to the fact Vancouver is probably feeling pretty good about themselves, don't be too surprised if Minnesota kills us this game. And by kills us, I mean they generate 4 shots to our 1 shot in the first period in what will be described as "barely viewable even for someone in a coma".

With that said, let's try and generate some keys to the game.



Keys to the game...in this case HHH, who is known as the Game...get it? This works, right?

Key #1: Don't let Minnesota score. Now I know this is on par with John Madden telling us that getting touchdowns helps you win games, but this isn't so much a key to the game for Vancouver to win, so much as a key to the game for the fans not having to watch an even more torturous experience known as a Minnesota Wild game. The Wild trap enough as it is, but when they get the first goal? My god. It's like having a fat kid stuck in an elevator with you, with both of you not having eaten for 8 hours. You know if any food is found, the fat kid is going to fight you for it. But if that kid gets a whiff of a smartie before any food is found, well, that kid is going to ramp up his game ten fold. Don't let the Wild score first!

Key #2: Apparently play Aaron Rome more than Keith Ballard? I do not understand the man love AV has for Rome, but apparently putting Rome on the PP and playing far more minutes than Ballard seems to be a key to....something. A game I like to play when watching Aaron Rome play hockey is "When will dumbass get off the ice after staying out way too long." Seriously, Aaron Rome can average the same amount of shifts as Keith Ballard but still play 2-5 more minutes in a game because Aaron Rome has no idea how to get to his bench.

Key #3: Try not to fall asleep. As stated previously, the Caucks are coming off 5 straight wins from the road, but before that went .500 on their homestand. So they have a tendency to let their guard down at home as of late. Add in that all the teams they are facing are vying for a playoff spot (Except Edmonton. Sorry Edmonton. You got officially eliminated last night), it usually means the other team will be busting their ass, playing a tight road game, to try and beat you.

Key #4: Feed Danny the puck. Daniel needs his two trophies. The world will not be right until Daniel has an Art Ross and Hart trophy. Keep feeding Daniel!

That's about it. That's all the interest I can drum up for this game. Honestly, the only thing exciting for this game from a Canucks perspective is the fact this win would break the 100 point barrier, that it is another game in which Daniel can try and keep his lead on the Art Ross and Hart trophy chase, and it is another 2 points to try and put between them and Philly (Or Washington, who has won 8 in a row).

So how do you end a blog on the Wild and get people happy again? Why, with random quotes from the post game thread from the official Calgary Flames forums from last Saturdays game. Because if that doesn't put a smile on a Canucks fan face, I don't know what will. My comments in italics.

"Barring the clinching of a playoff spot, this season is a complete failure." - Reasonable enough

"I hate Kesler " - I feed off of the tears of your suffering.

"sigh* depressing loss...It sucks having to watch the Flames lose when you're sitting in a room full of Mexican exchange students who are all converted Canuck fans." - Viva la Mexico?

"MOD EDIT: Don't insult other posters." - This was repeated many times.

"Somehow I expected a wee bit more. It's like the hot girl that leads you on all night, and then doesn't want to do the dirty deed she's been teasing you with."  -  In Calgarys case, I am sure a burning sensation worthy of the Flames accompanies that 'dirty deed' most of the time

"You know how crappy of a poster you are when you are more annoying than a Canucks fan." - They are turning on each other. It won't be long now before they start eating their own young...

"one more post...im frikking sick of losing to the canucks....please STOP ... wow the flames really piss me the frick off. you know how many god-damn messages and calls i am getting because of these incompetent losers?? seriously this team can go to hell." If I knew any Flames fans I would text them as well.

"Not sure what game you watched tonight, if thats the Flames battling then god help us." - Winning. Duh.

"It's tough coming to the realization that the Canucks might get their first cup this year. If there is a God, that will not happen. Does anyone have a first born male they would be willing to sacrifice to the Gods to stop it? Even a calf, or some sort of sheep might due in a pinch." I hope we win just for the reactions in Calgary alone.

Back on track

Alright, time to get back to my blogging ways.

So a lot has happened since I stopped posting about the Canucks. There is a lot less anger nowadays. I have had a somewhat pleasant experience watching the Canucks. I no longer have the urge throw the remote control at the TV as often as I used to. It has gotten....dare I say it....a bit boring to be a Canucks fan these days. Having no place to misdirect my rage towards (Didn't get that raise at work today? That is Aaron Rome's fault! God damnit Rome, if you didn't give away that puck in the slot that raise would have been mine!) means I often have to find other things to get angry about. I'm looking at you Safeway. No longer stocking Raspberry Gingerale? Jerks.

With that being said, if anyone is able to find things to criticize about a seemingly uncriticizable thing, it would be me, so I will still be able to find things to question/ponder/shake accusing fingers at. So I will be back to my usual posting ways over the next while, and if I can't find anything to get angry about the Canucks at, well, I can always resort to photoshop pictures and making up fake articles.

A quick recap of what has happened since I last posted, though, to get us all up to speed:

-Remember that joke we made about how Daniel was going to try and get his two trophies this year to match Henrik? We all laughed at how witty we were. "They're twins, they HAVE to do it, tee hee!" before we ran away to have tea and crumpets. Well don't look yet but....

-Ryan Kesler has become an interview bomber. For those unaware, Kesler has decided to make cameos in many players interviews as of late, creating endless amounts of joy for those of us on the internets. Case in point:

If Kesler wasn't already quickly becoming my favorite player due to his on ice play, now his off ice play has really ramped it up to a whole new level. I'd like to think him not having the C allows him to do this kind of stunt. That way I feel better about not having him have the C. Not that I think Henrik is a bad captain, but there is something about cheering on your captain who you know would take a shot to the nuts to keep the puck out of the net.

-Remember Desbiens? Either do I. Well my new whipping boy is Aaron Rome. Get ready for months of hatred sent his way! Why does he get power play time? Why???

-We have ridicilous depth now. Lapierre and Higgins on our 4th line? Bieksa and Edler coming back into the lineup soon? What in the hell.......Best team we've ever had.

-Cory Schneider is the real deal. Not in the Joe Rogan "Houston Alexander is the real deal!" kind of way, but in the "Oh shit, please trade him to the East so he never comes back to bite us in the ass" kind of way. Almost in the "How much does Luongo make? And Schneider makes.....hrmm....." kind of way.....

-Kesler is still awesome.

- Raymond. Raymond Raymond Raymond. I think a 5th grader has a harder shot than you. He drives me nuts but actually played really good last night, so I will reserve my rant on him for a later time. I am an opportunist.

-Luongo is having his best year to date with us, and inching into vezina nomination territory.

-I still hate Tanner Glass' mullett

-I despise a certain blog that has become famous because well, damnit, they got to live my dream through hard work and dedication. Damn you.

- Cory Schneider does the best impression of Jannik Hansen ever. That alone should bump up his contract a million or two

- Chris Tanev is playing amazing. If you had told me he would be an integral part of our season at the start of this NHL campaign I would have laughed at you, kicked you in the stomach, spat on your face, screamed at you to 'NEVER LIE TO ME. NEVER DO THAT. I HATE YOU." then run away crying.

- I still can't figure out if Charlie Sheen is in on his own joke or not. The fact remains, however, he would be a better player than Aaron Rome.

OK, that's it for the first update back, look forward to more updates as this season of joy rolls on!

-W