Brett Favre says it was all a misunderstanding

(Brett Favre in the untouched version of his SI cover shoot)



Minnesota Tribune, October 27th, 2010:

Brett Favre has been here before. Battered, bruised, and having to find the will to continue, to prove he can still go on. However this time he isn't lifting himself off anything that happened on a football field; This time he is lifting himself up off of a beating he took off of the field.

For those unaware, Brett Favre was recently caught up in a scandal off the field when it was reported that while being a member of the New York Jets, Brett had crossed the line with another Jets employee, one Jenn Sterger, who served as a sideline reporter for the Jets at the time.

The story being told is that Brett asked a person who worked in PR for the Jets to ask Ms. Sterger to give Brett a call, presumably under the premise for going out on a date. When Brett received no call from Ms. Sterger, he apparently left several voice messages inquiring into why she hadn't called him back. Along with the messages, however, were apparent racy photos Brett sent to Ms. Sterger as well; pictures of Brett's penis.

This is what we all know. But Brett recently opened up to give his side of the story.

"Look ya'll, I left those voicemail messages. I admit that. It was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking, I should have been more respectful to Ms. Sterger and to my wife and kids. But I still maintain I was not phoning her to ask her out on a date or to doing anything of a sexual nature. I was merely looking for friendship. Look, I'm a country boy. I'm not used to the big city, and what city is bigger than New York? I was lost, I was lonely, and I just needed some friendship, and Ms. Sterger, well, she seemed like she could use some comfort too. So I asked someone to give her a call on my behalf. And to be honest, I was hurt she didn't call me back. So I just wanted to wonder why she didn't call me back. Am I not good enough? Aren't I a fun guy? Why wouldn't that bitc-......ok, wait, see, you got ol' Brett going off again without thinking. I take that back. I wondered why she didn't want to hang out with me, that's all."

This all seems plausible. Brett could have indeed been merely looking for a friend. Afterall, we often hear of people with lots of money having trouble finding true friends, never knowing if people are associated with them merely for money. But that leaves us with the Penis Pictures. Why send pictures of your whang to a friend? Why show off the snake to someone you barely know? Why 'unravel the mysteries of life' on a cell phone picture?

"Well look, and here's the thing, the pictures of my boy parts, that's just crazy that people are up in arms over that. I always travel with the field general out in the open. I always make sure lil' Bret is marching towards the goal line in plain sight. It's a country thing. And that's what is so funny about this whole thing; I was trying to show off pictures of my new Crocs to Ms. Sterger, and then all of a sudden she flips out over my penis being in the picture? I didn't even realize my Green Bay Packer was out in the open, that's how used to it I am. I mean, imagine my suprise when I text "Look at my Croc's. They look hungry. Like a crocodolie. Get it? LOLLOLOL. Call me!" and she texts back at me talking about harrasment this, and sexual predator that. I was plain dumbfounded that she took it that way."

This seemed like a stretch that any normal person would believe this, but Brett persisted in following this train of logic.

"Looky here, looky here, ok? Right now? Penis. Out. Right there. (Editors note: It was). Doesn't mean a thing to me. Anybody who knows ol' Bret knows I always keep my "Hail Mary" cocked and loaded in case I need to get into the "End Zone" at a moments notice. In fact, if you look at the Sports Illustrated cover, they manipulated it so that I would appear fully clothed. There I was, so excited, excited beyond belief, like I mean, SO excited to be on the cover of SI, and I wanted to show my excitement over it. So what better way to do it than to line up the ol "Offensive Line" for the snap? But nope, they done went ahead and took it out of the picture, using that photo shop thingie they've got."

When asked if Brett had learned a lesson after all of this mess, Brett got reflective.

"Well sure, sure I have. I've learned that apparently people are shocked by my "4th and long" and that I have to take that into account when I send pictures out. In fact I went and made sure my Christmas cards are done up all PG like so no one can get mad at me. I hope people realize I don't mean to offend, I just find it natural to have my "End Zone" out in the open, so people know what they're dealing with, see what I mean? I have to realize that when making friends, not everyone is expecting you to "Go for it on the 4th down" every play, right? So I understand that now, and I think I have a good handle on things now. So I just wanted to again say I am sorry about this misunderstanding, and that it will never happen again. Merry Christmas ya'll"

Merry X-mas from Brett



Canucks survive Avalanche /shitty TSN title

(Colorado's GM looks on as the Canucks beat the Av's 4-3 in OT)

I always enjoy trying to guess what shitty title TSN will come up with for their headlines. "Canucks crown Kings" will be used at least twice this year, and "How Swede it is!" will be used around 37 times. I am sorry about the missed updates on the blog, but a combination of it being the weekend and me fighting off the cold from hell, I didn't have a chance to update the blog. So for all three of you reading, one of which is my home computer, I apologize. Here is what I missed in the world of sports:

-Brock Lesnar does not enjoy being punched
-Brock Lesnar enjoys the fetal position
-Brock Lesnar does not enjoy the fetal position while being punched, but feels compelled to stay in said fetal position before verbally tapping out

-The World Series nobody wanted is about to start. Go Texas? San Fran? As long as it isn't New York, I'm happy

-Morrison now has 9 points for the Flames. God damnit. Thank god we kept Bolduc over Morrision

-Tiger Woods has not slept with anyone this we-

-Tiger Woods has now slept with someone this week.

-Brett Favre is ridicilously bad at picking up women.

There, we're all caught up.

Anyways, the Canucks played last night and managed to escape with 2 points. As usual, here is my breakdown of the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of last nights game.

The Good:

-Roberto Luongo from 2006 called, he wants his skill back. Luongo was the Luongo of old last night, the kind of Luongo that would make Larscheid sream in girlish delight, played amazing last night, and is the reason we got two points out of that game. I won't lie, after that first goal went in, I sighed, reached for my beer, and assumed it would be another one of 'those' nights, and the "Trade Luongo, start Schneider" talk would increase in volume. Luckily Luongo shut the door on that argument as he made glove save after glove save, robbing the Av's all night. I don't know if his new style is helping, but it does certainly make it more exciting watching him stop the puck when the puck is literally inches away from the goal line

-Jeff Tambellini's play continues to impress me. It's nice having a moving part that can be inserted in the top 6 when needed. I hope he can continue this level of play, and that he can avoid the dreaded Jason King curse.

-Daniel Sedin continues his point streak, yay!

The Bad:

-Rome/Parent as a defensive pairing. They survived, but barely. Their poor puck handling means it's tough to get that puck back to our forwards in a seemless manner, so it can be quite a gong show watching these guys break out of our own zone. They didn't do anything THAT terrible, but they definately struggled against the quick Av's. Parent needs to work on the ol' puck handling!

-Our 4th line continues to be not that effective. Now, they didn't do anything glaringly bad, but they also are not helping in any significant way, be it through big hits or penning the other team in their zone. Desbiens has shown a remarkable ability to do nothing uselful in anyway during the games yet avoid criticism from the coach (Sorry Schaefer, you apparently drew AV's wrath for scoring a goal. Bad Schaef, bad! You should NOT be scoring! Just grinding! Always grind!) I just don't see any potential from this line

-Bieksa took his usualy one penalty per game. Filling in admirably for Shane O'Brien.

The Ugly:

-Mikael Samuelsson has looked AWFUL. Someone needs to tell him Sweden hates him again, so he can get all riled up and start scoring again. I know Mike is a streaky player, but it is almost 10 games in now, and he still looks like he is in pre-season mode

-Ehrhoff and Edler pairing last night took a beating. Too many times they pinched without knowing where the other guy was. I love the Hoff, and I put up with Edler, but I don't want them playing together once everyone is back. Ehrhoff is our best pinching d-man IMO (I miss you Jovo :( ), but Edler likes to pretend he is just as good, which means they both pinch which leads to breakdowns the other way. I hope the Hoff gets to play with someone defensive so he has the green light to go whenever he wants.


Next game is in 5 days, I will have to try and come up with some crap to talk about in the meanwhile!

Inside Information

Due to my impeccable connections, I was able to get a look at the questionaires the Canucks gave to their potential Captains to fill out when they were looking into who should be captain. Check below for the results.



Question 1: A child is caught in a burning building, but he is on the third floor. The parents are trapped on the bottom floor. You only have time to save either the parents, or the child. Who do you save?

Henrik: You save the child. The children are our future, and the parents, they might have a chance to find their way out of there without my help. The child, he is the one in need of the most help here.

Ryan: Is the mom hot? Haha, just kidding. No, that's a hard one. That's what she said! Hahaha. No no just kidding. Well, I wouldn't want to be burnt, really, because no offense, but I have the skills that pay the bills, so I don't think I would want to climb all over shit and have to get burnt trying to get to that third floor. I'd snag the parents, go home and have a shower, then kick some ass on my new NHL 2K11 game for the Wii. Parents can have more kids, am I right?

Tanner Glass: I just want to have a job. I don't want to answer the question wrong. Please, just let me keep my job.

2. You've just been kicked out of the game by the ref after being eye gouged by another player. As you are leaving the game, a fan taunts you and says "Way to be professional". What do you do?

Daniel: What did Henrik write? I choose whatever Henrik wrote. Unless he wrote a wrong answer. Then I choose the opposite.

Rypien: I don't know....I can kind of lose my temper a lot. I don't know what I would do. God, I think walking away would be the best answer? Though I don't know, my gut instinct isn't always right. I should probably ask Hamhuis about this one. He's a level headed guy, I'll just do what he does.

Hamhuis: That's tough, you know, because emotions are running high in a game like that and you've just been kicked out and a fan is taunting you? I would probably have to fall back on my faith, settle myself for a moment, THEN YANK THAT PEICE OF SHIT OUT OF THE STANDS, OVER THE RAILING, AND STOMP A HOLE IN HIS STUPID UGLY FACE. If anyone EVER claps at me, so help me god, I will hunt down their family and their friends, and I will end them all. END. THEM. ALL.


Question 3: It's 4-3 in a close game, and the other team has just pulled their goalie. Your linemate already has 2 goals on the night, and has never scored a hat trick before in his career. As the play on the ice develops, the puck lands on your stick and you break into the zone, and you have a pretty clear shot of the net. Your linemate is covered, but you think you might be able to get the pass through. What do you do?

Henrik: That's another tough one. I would have to shoot the puck in the net because the needs of the team are the most important thing, not individual success. Then I would tell my linemate he had a great game, and that a hat trick wouldn't change a thing. Unless it was Daniel, then I might poke a little fun at him. Ho ho ho. That was a joke. I wouldn't poke fun at Daniel. I'd probably give him a big hug and sing some Abba to him softly. Unless he wasn't in the mood for Abba. Then I would sit quietly and respect Daniel's space.

Morrison: So I can't help but wonder why I still don't have a contract. I er, did everything you guys wanted, right? Sooooo, I'm filling out a captaincy form, that's a good sign, right? I made the team, right? Guys? Guys? Don't make me play in Calgary. I guess I'll see my contract after I'm done filling this out.....right? Guys?
Desbiens: I'd probably get the puck into the corner and try and grind it out for a couple of minutes. AV is pretty adamant about things. He doesn't want me shooting. Ever. Not even passing the puck in the direction of the net. He says that's too dangerous and I should play within my limits. He beats me if I do otherwise. It doesn't hurt when he does it, but it gets kind of awkward seeing his face get all red and swatting his arms at me. Sometimes he chokes on his gum. I don't need that kind of crap in my life to be honest.

Question 4: You've just left the arena, and you are ready to go home. It's your first night back from a 14 day road trip, but you just remembered that you have a media obligation later in the night. Do you a) blow off the media obligation, they can go F themselves, or do you b) carry out the obligations?

Samuelsson: Do I even have to write this? They can go F themselves.

Keith Ballard: Media? What's that? No, seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about. The guy who sells hotdogs at the arena? I'm drawing a blank here.

Grabner: I would 'waive' goodbye to the media. Get it? Waive? Because I was waived? God I hate my life.

Question 5: You are about to leave the arena for the night, when a pair of girls walk up to you and ask if you want to 'party' with them? They look kind of young. What do you do?

Kesler: Legally I am not allowed to be within 20 yards of them so.....just kidding, just kidding. Don't print that. My mom would hate that. What would I do, eh? Well, is there grass on the field? HAhah, no no, just kidding. Don't write that either. Ah god, what would I do. Well, if Shane O'Brien was here, I think we'd see the Eifel Tower....if you know what I mean.....ok wait, oh god, please don't write that either. I don't know what's wrong with me. Undo! Undo! Hahaha. Ah. I'm not getting the 'C' am I.

Henrik: I would tell them to take a cab home and get some sleep. I would then go finish building the homes for the homeless that I was working on. I would probably put off my efforts to save polar bears around the world and would just go to bed. I know, I feel so seflish sometimes.

Daniel: I'd take them to Henrik's bed and I'd sleep with them. I'd make them call me Henrik. Then I'd make them call me captain. Captain Henrik. Captain F****** Henrik. How do you think he got his first kid?

Minnesota vs Vancouver

Minnesota at Vancouver
Game Time: 7 pm
Where to listen/watch: Team 1040 or Sportsnet Pacific

Well it's time to get down to business Vancouver. Minnesota beat the crap out of us in their building, it's time for us to do the same to them. It's time to take it to Minnesota and make them wish they had never come to Vancouver in the first place. It's time to break Miko Koivu's leg and to beat up one of their fans. Just throw everything you've got at them.

Sadly, a line brawl could break out between these two teams and it would still be a boring game to watch. Minnesota has a special talent of making sure they are never involved in any game that could be percieved as being interesting. The last time there was a fun game between Vancouver and Minnesota was when Mike Modano played in that state.

Minnesota is just one of those teams that when you know the Canucks are playing them, you re-consider your options for the night; Watch the Wild game or go clean out the basement.

Luckily we only play them 6 times a year as opposed to 8 times a year, so we don't have hockey induced coma's forced upon us as often, but we still have to struggle through watching 6 of them, so we can at least complain properly about the game in the morning.

So, as for the game itself, apparently Hamhuis is still out of the lineup. Ballard is still out of the lineup, as well. Yes, this means Bieksa gets a shitload of ice time again. It also means Parent gets to keep playing. As long as Hamhuis and Ballard heal up shortly, all is well, but if this turns into another Mitchell and Salo sitcom, I want no part of this. Watching Bieksa patrol our blueline is akin to letting Justin Bieber play lazer tag. You just know something bad is going to happen.

In net, Corey Schneider gets the surprise start. If Schneider pitches a shutout, I can't wait to see what the Vancouver media does with that one. I assume reporters will be staked out on Luongo's lawn asking him about the rift between him and Corey. Hopefully Corey continues his strong play.

For the Wild, Jose Theodore gets the start in net. Theodore either plays really really well against us, or he plays like complete shit agains us, so it's either a goalie duel, or we are winning this one easy, there is no middle ground. One time for a Canucks game I got there 5 minutes late, it was against Montreal, and it was already 3-0 Vancouver, thanks in large part to Theodore's goaltending. 8 minutes later it was 6-0. I hope it's that Theodore that shows up.

Rypien got 6 games so we won't see any Staubitz rematches, and with Desbiens having the speed of my crippled dead grandmother, I assume we won't see many fights, if any. Glass might get punched around for a bit, but that's nothing to get excited about.

I predict the Canucks win 4-3. Can't make it too easy on us. Daniel Sedin with 3 goal. Alberts with the 4th, why not.

Game on!

Breaking news: Edmonton in need of hot women

http://oilers.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=541197


In news that will shock nobody, Edmonton is in need of attractive women. They are apparently putting together a cheer team (First Canadian team to spit on hockey tradition and chase the boobies. It won't be the last Canadian team to do this.) that will enhance the in game entertainment.

Now normally I would have a lot to joke about, about how saying this will be the only good thing in Edmonton compared to their on ice product, but the Oilers look like they might actually have a future. Will Steve Tambellini and Kevin Lowe screw this up somehow? God willing, yes, but until then, I live in fear of the day Eberle scores last minute goal after last minute goal, while Hall racks up 40 goals, thus proving that ugly people that look vaguely alien can score, too.

I did like this quote from the article, however:

 "This is another example of the Oilers responding to the wishes of our valued customers,” said Patrick LaForge, Edmonton Oilers President and CEO. “The Oilers Cheer Team will elevate the level of entertainment and further enhance the in-game experience. In addition, Oilers Cheer Team will also be active contributors in the community reaching out with special events and fundraising initiatives throughout Oil Country.”



Gee, hockey fans....made up mostly of males.....were asking for hot ladies, eh? That's pretty amazing. I assume the next step will be stripper poles and bird cages. Then once again we can bask in the Oilers 'listening to thier customers' with more ground breaking ideas.

They've basically set up hockeys version of Hooter girls. Around ice cold temperatures. Well played Oilers, well played.

Conversations From Around the NHL

One of the perks of working with phones, is that I have learned how to tap into phones from anywhere in the world. Think of me as the CIA, except I get paid less, and have better benefits.

So with this knowledge, I have stockpiled many conversations from NHL members, and will release them for your enjoyment from time to time.

Enjoy!


Montreal, June 17th, 2010:

Doug Armstrong, the Blues GM and Pierre Gauthier, Montreal Canadiens GM

(A phone is ringing)

Doug: Ahoy hoy.
Pierre: Ah, hello, hey Doug. Dougie. Dougster. Dougarella. Count Dougula. 
Doug: Let's just stick with Doug.
Pierre: Ah, of course, that is ok with me. Ok, Doug, listen to me. I have a bit of a problem on my hands. As you know, we have a bit of a goaltending controversey on our hands-
Doug: So what do you want for Carey Price?
Pierre: What? Carey? Nothing, nothing. We are trying to trade Halak.
Doug: Hal..Halak?? The guy who just beat Washington and Pittsburgh?
Pierre: Yes, the one who failed against the Flyers.
Doug: The one who got Slovakia into a top 5 finish at the Olympics?
Pierre: Yes, the one who failed to medal at the Olympics.
Doug: The one who is only 26 years old and just hitting his prime?
Pierre: Yes, the one whose career is winding down.
Doug: I don't know what to say, I mean, of course we'd love him-
Pierre: Done.
Doug: Wait, what, you don't want anyone for him?
Pierre: ....
Doug: Hello?
Pierre: You were going to offer someone for him?
Doug: Wait, you were just going to trade him to me for nothing?
Pierre: Of course not. No. It must be the french accent. It is throwing you off. You are hearing things. Les poissons, les poissons, how I love les poissons
Doug: Did you just quote the Little Mermaid?
Pierre: No....no....of course not.....So what were you thinking of offering for Halak?
Doug: Well, not much, to be honest. I don't know if we can afford Halak's new contract....I don't know if we are willing to deal away prospects right now...
Pierre: Look Doug, I'm going to level with you. I'm not a very good GM. Bob Gainey tells me what to do 75% of the time. I just need a player I can build up to my fans as being an amazing prospect. If he fails, hopefully I'll be fired by then, and won't have to deal with it. If I'm still here, I'll blame the coach for not doing his job.
Doug: Er....wow.....I don't know what to say to that.
Pierre: Just throw out a name. Anyone.
Doug: I mean, this seems-
Pierre: Anyone Doug. Jeremy Roenick? Do you have that guy?
Doug: We never had him.....he's retired-
Pierre: Gionta? How about Gionta?
Doug: Gionta is on your team already....
Pierre: He doesn't have a twin? Doesn't Vancouver have a set of those? Why can't I have a set of Gionta's?
Doug: Er....
Pierre: Look, just give me anyone.
Doug: How about Ian Cole? He is a good young up and coming d-man.
Pierre: How tall is he?
Doug: Er...6"1, not that tall-
Pierre: Gainey says that's too tall. Someone shorter.
Doug: What? Er, how about Lars Eller?
Pierre: How tall?
Doug: 6"0
Pierre: Gainey doesn't like that. Can you list him on your roster as 5"11?
Doug: I guess-
Pierre: Perfect. Done deal.
Doug: Well, thanks Pierre. Though I have to say, aren't the Montreal fans going to be pissed off about this?
Pierre: Just don't win the cup next year.
Doug: Hahaha
Pierre: No. Seriously. Please don't win the cup.
Doug: Well can I ask one more thing Pierre?
Pierre: Of course.
Doug: Why are you trading Halak? Honestly?
Pierre: Honestly? Gainey lost a game of beer pong against Carey Price. Now he has to trade Halak.
Doug: Beer pong??
Pierre: Yes, beer pong. That Carey, he's a natural at that. Terrible goalie. Great at beer pong.
Doug: Ok....welll......thanks.......
Pierre: Gainey says bye.
Doug: Bye.

I've seen this story before...

Vancouver 1 Chicago 2

Well, got the correct ratio, as I predicted a 4-2 loss, which ended up being a 2-1 loss instead. At least we got a point? Sigh. Time for the good, the bad, and the ugly of that game.

The Good:

-The Sedins continue to play well, despite every attempt by AV to make them play with people who don't suit their style. They didn't do much damage offensively last night, but at least they generated chances, even if at one point Henrik passed the puck in the slot when he should have shot the f***ing puck.

-Mason Raymond is fast. He can create chances with his speed. Why he chooses to stay on the perimeter at all times however.....

-Tamby. I really like him and think he should get more playing time. However, for that to happen, he will have to get rid of any sign of having any kind of skill. Then AV might play him.

-Luongo. He didn't cry! Yes! Victory! Anytime Luongo doesn't cry when leaving Chicago it's a good thing. He played well I thought, and didn't shy away from playing deep in his crease even though that style looked awful against Minnesota. Good to see him sticking with it.

-Alberts. Not a game changer, not someone you are ever going to give a ton of minutes to, but he continues to impress me by playing well within his abilities

The Bad:

-Ryan Kesler on the PP. He just isn't that effective there. Aside from trying to hack at the puck 30 times in 3 seconds, he is being used as a screen on the PP. He is basically playing the 'Bitch Bernier' role. Kesler has a good enough shot that he should be anchoring the 2nd PP unit. Why waste him on the Bitch role? Let Torres play that role. Torres was born to play that role.

-Edler looked uncomfortable out there. Edler is a great d-man, but he is still too inconsistent to be our number one d-man. This is why Hamhuis is our number one d-man. Consistency. This is also why Salo was our number one d-man for the 3 games he was healthy last year. He is incredibly consistent, and always makes the smart play.

-Parent looks like a frightened child out there. He looks like he is overthinking everything he does. He wavers between trying to decide if he should close the gap, or stay in the shooting lane, and in the end, just kind of skates backwards on every play, doing nothing. I really hope he gets some time on the Moose.

The Ugly:

-Tanner "Bite me" Glass, "I don't even care about your first name" Desbiens. I hate both of these players. Desbiens supplanted Hordichuk. Well, Desbiens hasn't fought. And he hasn't landed many hits. He hasn't taken stupid penalties, though, so I guess that's better than Hordichuk? The worst part, though, is seeing AV trying to force Glass into the role of a PK. He is not a penalty killer. He cannot do it. Please stop putting him out there. I know you miss Ryan Johnson and the way he ran around the PK like his hair was on fire, but please stop trying to recreate that with Glass. Please.

-Not putting Tamby in the shootout. Let's play the number game:

Tamby shootout percentage: 66%
Samuelsson shootout percentage: 13%

TAMBY SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHOOTING. To be fair, Sammy had Turco beaten, he for some reason felt sorry for Turco after having been embarressed by Daniel so badly that he decided to put the puck wide so Turco wouldn't feel to down on himself.

-Hansen on the top line. Look, I like Hansen. I enjoy him as a player. He is one of our better forcheckers. It's just that he has a little problem called Steve Bernieritis, in that he is the place all offence goes to die. The man works his ass off to get the puck back, starts going to the net with the puck and......somehow the puck ends up out of the zone. Every single time. The guy just doesn't generate offence at all. He can't pass well, he doesn't shoot accurately. He is like a little spaz out there that is thinking too quickly and freaks out when he gets the puck. Again, I know AV loves his little grinders, but lets try and keep them away from the top line. I know Burrows struck lightning once, I don't think Hansen will be Burrows v 2.0.

-Luongo in the shootout. Toews made you look silly. Sharp and Kane didn't deke you out of your jock, but man, you've got to stop one of those shots.

-Bieksa. Bieksa Bieksa Bieksa. He of the monster 25+ minutes on the game. Geezus, this guy is a trainwreck to watch. He will at one point make a play that dangles around two guys then the next minute give the puck away in the slot. It is terrifying to watch him. And I am not just jumping on the Bieksa Sucks! bandwagon. I have liked the guy as a player ever since he started for us. But yeah, his mind farts, they aren't going anywhere, and they appear to be getting worse. I also have no faith in his ability to know where the puck is at anytime or to be able to physically handle any forwards in front of the net.

Where is the snarling, angry, beat you up Bieksa we all know and love? Why do I see the gunslinging, Brett Favre penis picture sending man before us today? Not that Bieksa sends those pictures, but I could see him and Brett sending pictures to girls, giggling about the high risk plays they made the game before, and fist bumping each other every 5 minutes.

The worst part was in overtime. Anytime they passed to Bieksa in overtime I literally screamed "NOT TO KEVIN" out loud to my TV, as if I could change the outcome of a game I had recorded. They did not listen to me. They passed to Kevin. Kevin had the puck in the offensive zone and I saw he wanted to shoot. Chicago knew he wanted to shoot. The entire crowd knew he wanted to shoot. So what did Kevin do? He shot.  Right into the legs of a Chicago player.

This ended up being the Hossa breakaway.

Bieksa, buddy, I love(d) you, but use your head, man. You're killing me.


Next game is Friday, I believe, against our old friends in Minnesota. Game preview will be up tomorrow!

Justin Bieber reaches out to assaulted fan

Vancouver, BC-

Pop star sensation Justin Bieber is reaching out to the man who was recently assaulted by the Vancouver Canucks Rick Rypien, in the hopes of being able to lend some support during a dark time.

"Yo, I know what it's like to be assaulted, yo. Once I was going to a concert, and these fans, they be mad frothing, yo, and they reached out and one of the grabbed my arm. My arm, dog. So they yanked my arm and I stumbled into the barricade. Straight out stumbled. It was not cool. My arm had a red mark on it and it was throbbing slightly. I didn't think I'd be able to go on. Luckily I managed to pull it together, suck it up, and go on to do my perforomance, but I still think about it to this day of how close I was to possibly getting two red marks, maybe THREE red marks on my arm."

Bieber talked further. "So, recently I was doing lazer tag, yo, and this kid, he comes up to me and says "you're a ***." Then two more of his friends say the same thing to me. So, I mean, what else yo, am I going to do? All I could think of was when I stumbled into the barricade. All I could see was metal, yo. I froze. I thought I was a goner, straight up. But then I realized. I'm the victim here. Me. Not them. Me. I'm the one who is being hurt here. I mean, yeah, being super rich is nice, but being called names? Money can't fix that. Nothing can. So I stood up for myself and I slapped their arm away. Then I ran for my life, calling my manager."

"It was at that point I realized how bad bullying can be. I wondered how many people out there have been touched and possibly had red marks left on them? I knew I had to do something, yo. So I got a campaign going yo. And when I heard about this playa, and how that Ryppit guy attacked him and sh*t? I knew I could help. I knew I could get him through this. So I phoned him up and on the spot yo, I invited him to concert. Balcony seating. Near the back. This way he knows that bullying isn't cool, and that Justin Bieber, he don't stand for that. Baby baby baby nooooooooooooo he don't. Word to yo mother."

Rypien's dance partner found alive; barely

http://twitter.com/Russostrib

According to local Minnesota beat writer Michael Russo, the fan Rypien assaulted has aquired the services of a lawyer.

The highlights of Russo's tweets:

Just had long talk with 28-year-old fan that Rypien grabbed: He is seeking a lawyer: "Bottom line, I was assaulted."

He spoke with NHL Security today, whom he had to call. The league has yet to call him, or apologize, he says

Fan: "It's been a long day. ... If my brother wasn't grabbing me, he probably would have dragged me over the edge. It's not right."

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I, for one, am amazed this fan is even still alive. Rypien was not only about to drag him off the edge before his brother heroically laid his arm across his arm, but what people don't realize is, that Rypien was planning on tying the man to his skates, running through the underbelly of the arena, dragging the man the whole time, until he got to a secluded ice rink set up months beforehand. In this ice rink would be a variety of traps and devices whose sole purpose was to torture, and eventually kill, this fan. After the man's death, Rypien planned to eat the body parts to not only hide the evidence, but to gain any powers the man might have.

Yes, thank god this mans brother saw the future in Rypiens eyes and acted accordingly. I will pray your lawsuit works out for you good sir, because in the words of my newest hero "It just isn't right." I know the pain this man is going through, as I myself was once bumped into in a crowded hallway. I was not able to sleep a wink that night. It was a long day for me. All I could think of was "What if he had thrown me off of the roof of a building? What if???" I wish I had had a brother to save me, but luckily the man was spooked off by god knows what, and he didn't end up killing me.


OR

You could just man up and take your 15 seconds of fame and have yourself a good story to tell at the old family re-union. Good lord.

Game Day Preview - Canucks vs Blackhawks

Alright, last night was a disaster on so many levels. Everyone pretty much flat out sucked. Aside from Daniel Sedin continuing to score, and Rick Rypien making Mike Millbury proud by taking it to the stands, everyone pretty much sucked. Things that really stood out to me as being really really shitty:

Roberto Luongo - He had the speed of a drunk 48 year old Kirk McLean, minus the stick handling.

Ryan Kesler: Is still pouting over losing gold last year and not being named captain? I have no idea what is wrong with him. He is no longer being paid a small amount that would allow us to laugh this off. Wake the f*** up Ryan.

Our entire 4th line: This fourth line is a pile of shit. It was always a pile of shit. It will continue to be a pile of shit. It will never stop being a pile of shit. Why AV insisted upon putting together a 'tough' 4th line that has ZERO noticeable offensive skill and continues to give them more than 3 minutes in a game, is beyond me. They don't score, they don't hit very well, hell, they don't even grind really well. Tanner Glass, you peaked in high school buddy, you are the pre-season king of hitting scared, young 19 year old boys, but when it comes to playing against the men, you look lost and ineffective out there I hate hate hate this line.

Torres: Torres is either really really on or really really off. He either comes out killing people, stapling them to the boards and driving to the net, or he is invisible, looking like Naslund circa 2007.

Bieksa: I honestly assume the "meow mix" song is just running through his head all game.


Anyways, enough negativity about last night, let's get into negativity about tonight. Things to be scared of include:

Luongo playing Chicago. I don't want to see them make Luongo cry. Again.

Marty Turco: This guy has historically killed us (Except in the playoffs, bitch! Turcooooo, you suck!), so I am not too happy to see his stick handling added to the back end of the Chicago Blackhawks. Add it up and it means we will not have a useful forcheck all night.

AV: If Schaefer gets 2nd line duty again and Tambellini doesn't draw into the lineup, I might have to punch myself in the face several times to try and stop the rage from building to dangerous levels. It's bad enough that they decided Morrison wasn't good enough to be our 4th line center (But Rypien, Bolduc, and Perrault, that's the answer. Yep. Sure. Sigh.) , but then we have to watch on a nightly basis as we see AV do anything in his power to stop any sort of skill from getting into the lineup. I get it AV, you were a no talent hack in your playing days. Stop relating to the no talent hack, and stop forcing them into the lineup. Desbiens is truly truly awful. Bieksa probably shouldn't be our number two d-man. Stop forcing your so called grit into the lineup. Tamby played really well the game before, he even got an assist. Give him a few more games.

Parent: I like the fact we got a free former 1st rounder project for SOB, but it scares me that we have to watch that experiment unfold before our eyes at the NHL level. Would be nice to see Parent hit the Moose and get some real playing time, instead of using him for spot duty at the NHL level. He did not look comfortable last game.


Positives about tonights game? Daniel Sedin and Henrik Sedin. Plus we are one day closer to Burrows coming back. That's about it.

Prediction: Hawks 4, Canucks 2.

Rick Rypien Loses His Mind

Rick Rypien, pictured above trying to gouge out the eye of a San Jose player, has apparently decided that feasting on the blood of fellow NHL'rs is not enough, as he has now moved on to trying to main and destroy NHL fans, as well.

In a game that Roberto Luongo described as "Get the hell away from me. Are you even a reporter? Are you even allowed back here? Who are you?", Rick Rypien decided in the first period that enough was enough, and he decided to attack a fan in the stands; Not so, according to Rypien.

"I truly have no idea what the problem is. Has the world gotten too politically correct? I wasn't fighting the fan, I thought it was a hot girl. It looked like she wanted it. So I went in for a little taste, thought I would see how ripe the fruit was an-"

At this point a Canucks media relations member ran in quickly and ushered Rypien away. When Rypien came out later, his story had changed slightly.

"I thought the fan was on fire. I was merely trying save their lives. You can clearly see me patting down the fan, trying to put out the fire. You people should be calling me a hero. I just saved a life and you asshol-"

Again, Rypien was ushered quickly out b the media relations member of the Canucks. Rypien finally emerged later to tell what he claims was the "total truth".

"OK, I didn't want to give away my reasons for attacking the fan, but it looks like I have to, to clear my name. You see, people think I'm stupid. People think I lost it, right? People out there are going 'oh Rick, what is wrong with you? Why would you attack a fan? Why would you do something so stupid??', but that's cuz they aren't thinking. They don't see the whole picture, man. I mean, look, Minnesota was beating us pretty soundly, right? Well fine, let them have their short term victory. Me? I look at the big picture. Who pays the players salaries? The owners. And where do the owners get their money from? That's right. The fans. So if a team should lose all its fans, how is the owner going to pay the players? They won't. Team folds. Vancouver wins. Minnesota is out of the league. You're welcome." explained Rypien after the game. "That's the problem with the Twins. They think they can score their way to victory. You have to think bigger than that, man. I should have been made captain. F*** Henrik. We take out Minnesota by taking out one fan at a time. High five?"


After an awkward 5 seconds of no one high fiving him, Rypien giggled slightly then made a grenade sound, pantomined a explosion, winked at several of us, then moonwalked out of the room.

We decided to ask several Canuck players about Rypiens actions, to see if they could provide any insight. Corey Schneider told us that "I don't want to say much, really. He.....he can kind of lose his temper. It was probably my fault. I know how he gets. I probably shouldn't have egged him on. That was stupid of me. God, I better make him some dinner. Please don't tell him I was talking to you. He doesn't like me talking to other fellas. OK I have to go."

When asked about the Rypien situation, Malholtra was more forethcoming.

"I'm pretty sure he needs to be in a mental hospital. The dude eats wax candles at lunch. That's it. It's all he eats. He claims it makes him 'Solid as an Eagle." I don't even know what that means. It can't mean anything good."

Perhaps the best insight into the mind of Rypien would be from a fellow fighter. We tracked down ex teamate Darcy Hordichuk and we asked Darcy what he thought of the situation.

"Yeah yeah, that Rypien thing, that's a shame. Look man, I just need a job man. Do you need me to wash your car? I can wash your car. I can do other things. I can teach you how to boxercise? I can watch movies with you? I'm a fun guy to watch movies with. I'm always making comments and my wife is always like "Oh Darcy, you're such a card". I can quote movies with you. 'We're going to need a bigger boat!' Ahaha. See that? We're bonding. Can I have $20?"


Pehaps we will never know the true intentions of Rick Rypien. Perhaps this sort of thing is to remain a mystery. But if you do need some housework done, Darcy Hordichuk is available for any of your needs. All he asks for is a pair of socks, $5, and a bag of ritz crackers.